(Refresh me!)
Date: 17th of June, 2025
And that is a bit worrying. I don't feel 30. And the fact that I don't feel like I'm 30 is even more worrying.
Should I have it all figured out by now?
I feel like I stepped on a piece of shit 20 years ago that just refuses to let go no matter how far I walk. Ever since I came across my fathers stash as a kid it feels like I've been cursed.
It sounds retarded when said out loud, but I think me opening that door 20 years ago was me tipping over a domino piece that has been knocking over increasingly larger bricks ever since. Part of who I am today is a direct result of that day.
I've come a lot further than I thought I would by 30, but despite putting on a tailored suit, expensive wool trousers and a designer leather belt, there's still shit underneath my shoes.
There's shit underenath my shoes and it wont fucking come off.
Sometimes I wish I could just go away for a year to reset my brain and not need constant stimuli, but I still live in the real world where people rely on me, and I rely on them. The best thing I can do for myself is to just improve a little each day, and I think that is what I have been doing these past few years.
I don't feel like I'm the man I want to be right now, but at least I'm taking small steps towards becoming him each day.
Hopefully, someday soon, I'll have walked far enough to finally scrape that 20 year old piece of shit off of my shoes.